The focus of this book is on making others feel comfortable, engaged, and authentic in social and business gatherings. Priya Parker is a group conflict resolution facilitator who specializes in bringing people together into transformative gatherings. “Gathering—the conscious bringing together of people for a reason—shapes the way we think, feel, and make sense of our world,” she states in the introduction, “and yet most of us spend very little time thinking about the actual ways in which we gather.”
It’s a book that offers specific recommendations on crafting gatherings interspersed with examples from Parker’s experiences showing how she arrived at those recommendations. With chapter headings like Decide why you’re really gathering, Close doors, Don’t be a chill host, Create a temporary alternative world, Never start a funeral with logistics, Keep you best self out of my gathering, Cause good controvery, and Accept that there is an end, she traces the anatomy of gathering from conception to ultimate conclusion.
Parker talks about naming things that we don’t name and therefore have not been intentional about, and emphasizes the importance of the host and a quality of “generous authority:” when a host uses their power to protect, connect, and equalize the guests, in very simple ways it allows everyone to actually then engage and feel enough so that they can be, then, whatever they need to be for that — for that moment, for that event.
- Meaningful events require structure and direction
- Open and close with purpose— set the stage and allow guests to reflect within the event itself
- More is not necessarily merrier: be selective and scrutinise the people you invite
There are many important practical lessons in the book, and I found myself scrutizing it as I framed the upcoming Culture & Enterprise Social I am trying to arrange with Programme director Richie Manu. One of the key lessons is to find out the underlying purpose of the gathering by asking why. Parker talks about how important it is to commit to a gathering about something that is meaningful, that specificity and uniqueness is important, and not trying to be everything to everyone.
Some questions I considered:
- Why is this gathing different from all other gatherings?
- What is this that other gatherings are not?
- Why am I doing it?
- What problem might the gathering help solve?
- What might be different because of the gathering?
These questions helped me to continue to excavate the underlying purpose of why I think it’s important to hold space for people to come together in a facilitated fashion. It’s nice to be reminded from the book of the importance of having a specific focus, and for the actual event to ask a specific question to help people bond.
Parker says, in regards to the skill of hosting: “‘Chill’ is selfishness disguised as kindness” (p. 71) “Chill is the idea that it’s better to be relaxed and low-key, better not to care, better not to make a big deal” (p. 73). I’ve definitely been guilty of this at times, though I tend to appreciate bringing structure of some sort to gatherings. It can lead to ungenerous anarchy with “guests who feel poorly governed and unprotected by their host” (p. 79).
Instead, Parker advocates for “generous authority,” which acknowledges power structures and uses that power to achieve outcomes that are beneficial for others by protecting, equalizing, and connecting guests.
These categories and Parker’s stories about implimenting them are helpful as I think about the actual facilitation of gatherings and give more credence to creating structures to help guests with these things rather than letting the social be casual.